make_your_move: (tangopassion)
An interesting read from Psychology Today

From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.

  • Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
  • Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
  • Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
  • Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
  • Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
  • View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
  • Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
  • If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
  • Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
  • Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
  • Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
  • Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
  • Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
  • Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
  • Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.
  • Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
  • Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
  • Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree—on friends, mentors, spouses. This is true of men as well as women.
  • Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
  • Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
  • Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.
  • Stay open to spontaneity.
  • Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
  • Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
  • Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.
  • Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.
make_your_move: (happy birthday)
Belated birthday wishes to these lovely folk who make the world a brighter place in their unique ways!

Happ Belated Birthday to

[livejournal.com profile] moirinknits who is a fabulous artist
[livejournal.com profile] nzlaur who has an amazing smile that lights up her eyes
[livejournal.com profile] tcb a lovely gent whom I haven't seen in a long, long time
[livejournal.com profile] aramintamd one of the best costumers I know
[livejournal.com profile] alphaggek a man with a devious sense of humour
[livejournal.com profile] genvandevander a fabulous woman to have breakfast with (and then go shopping!!)
[livejournal.com profile] redsash whom I would still really, really like to meet someday.
make_your_move: (grin)
It's 8:55am and I'm sitting in my empty quiet house. No TV, no radio, and the only sound I hear is the quiet hum of my laptop. I'm enjoying these last few minutes of quiet and calm before my girls get home (early) today from school for the long Thanksgiving weekend ....

It is nice to take a moment and reflect on everything I am grateful for - our children, our home, our families (by blood and by choice), our health, Q's new job, my continuing work in midwifery. I am thankful to have so much love in my life that it bursts from the seams and spills over the top.

This year has brought so many changes, so much to thankful for ... and all of you share a part of it.

May tomorrow and the days ahead find you safe, warm, happy and well fed and being with (or talking to) the ones you love.

Thank you my friends
make_your_move: (Default)
So, in talking with the Wife last night over sewing and stuff, a well used analogy came flying out of my mouth...

When all you have is a hammer .... )

So, here I am, looking at my tools and realizing that not every problem is a nail and perhaps what I need is a refresher course and reintroduction to the other things in the box at my feet that I haven't looked at. At least that is what I'm working towards now.
make_your_move: (corset and hair)
We've all been guilty of thinking with our genitals -- women as much as men. But there comes a point when we have to sit down and realize that if we want a certain type of relationship, or a a a certain type of person, then we have to realize that the genesis of those relationships don't begin between someone's legs..

By [livejournal.com profile] minofsin06 on talking about folks being 'more than their sex drives.'
make_your_move: (grin)
both the wife and the boyfriend wrote Beltane ode's about me ...*furious blushing* They rock.
make_your_move: (crazy bird)
all *'splodey* now. I'm now going to mow the lawn and revel in getting all sweaty and zen like.
make_your_move: (Default)
We had a pretty great time at D.O. this weekend. We got in lots of great face to face time with the ever lovely Miz Ani and that charming rogue Russell. Hugged, greeted and kissed myriads of friends ... I only wish I had had more hours in the day. Picked up some new gold rings for the girls - the last set is really beyond repair, and the price was good. Also on the list of new toys I have some small flesh hooks with which I intend to work on some piercing.

I had some lovely scenes - one with [livejournal.com profile] veskrashen to start off the weekend. I had a long anticipated and scary scene with [livejournal.com profile] sirphoton on Saturday afternoon. Fear=fun with A ~yay~! I had two hot, hot, hawt scenes with my husband [livejournal.com profile] lapsedagnostic. I was hair grabbed and kiss by gorgeous men and women *yum*, including a new years kiss by [livejournal.com profile] fischstick with a dip that left me a bit breathless.

And, even though I had a radio attached to me all weekend - I only had one minor medic call :) - Working the event was both fun and fulfilling :) There were some definite highlights this weekend.

There were some low points as well - and I've decided to add a new rule to my life - never have relationship conversations on the 3rd day of an event when you are sleep deprived. Invariabley things seem much, much larger than life *hmph* On the other hand, those discussions led to a couple of ephiphany type "aha" moments and my first resolution of the year ....

Be here now (where ever *here* happens to be at the moment)

Now that I have 2 nights of sleep, the new year seems much brighter - I only wish the elves would come unpack my stuff and clean my house ~groans~

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