make_your_move (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
make_your_move) wrote2006-07-13 10:08 am
make_your_move) wrote2006-07-13 10:08 am
Entry tags:
What we've discovered so far
Last night we
This time with a different counselor. Our last appointment with the first counselor left us both in a 'thumbs neutral' post review. She is very nice, but her style didn't really resonate with us. She was helpful and brought up some salient points, but neither of us was rushing back to see her. Last night we saw a different counselor and both our immediate reviews left us much more comfortable with her, and we're both wanting to get back to her for more sessions. We'll have to see how it works into our budget - personally I'd like to see her every week, but our insurance doesn't cover any of it, so it would be a bit more than we can handle financially *sigh*
The downside is, for all the talking we did last night, I left more depressed than hopeful. Q and I seem to be on entirely different pages -- hell, we seem to be on entirely different continents on some issues. We're both listening, and acknowledging what the other is saying, but I don't think we're actually *getting* it. Funny, I thought if we could do the first two, the third would just come naturally. Problem is, we can see the other viewpoint from an academic side, acknowledge it's valid to the person feeling it, but since my needs are not needs that he has, he just doesn't grok it on an emotional level. I'd like to write more on this, but I am having a really hard time articulating the mish-mash going on in my own head, so at the moment I'll just leave it lie.
We both want things to be better, we both want things to not be broken, but neither of us know how to get from here to there anymore. If you can't get a core need met from your partner, what do you do?
This time with a different counselor. Our last appointment with the first counselor left us both in a 'thumbs neutral' post review. She is very nice, but her style didn't really resonate with us. She was helpful and brought up some salient points, but neither of us was rushing back to see her. Last night we saw a different counselor and both our immediate reviews left us much more comfortable with her, and we're both wanting to get back to her for more sessions. We'll have to see how it works into our budget - personally I'd like to see her every week, but our insurance doesn't cover any of it, so it would be a bit more than we can handle financially *sigh*
The downside is, for all the talking we did last night, I left more depressed than hopeful. Q and I seem to be on entirely different pages -- hell, we seem to be on entirely different continents on some issues. We're both listening, and acknowledging what the other is saying, but I don't think we're actually *getting* it. Funny, I thought if we could do the first two, the third would just come naturally. Problem is, we can see the other viewpoint from an academic side, acknowledge it's valid to the person feeling it, but since my needs are not needs that he has, he just doesn't grok it on an emotional level. I'd like to write more on this, but I am having a really hard time articulating the mish-mash going on in my own head, so at the moment I'll just leave it lie.
We both want things to be better, we both want things to not be broken, but neither of us know how to get from here to there anymore. If you can't get a core need met from your partner, what do you do?
To follow up on what da hubby said
I understand that frustration of wanting things to be better NOW. However, I think of things not as eggs breaking to make other things but you have to dismantel the structure that has been built over what's not working before you can build what does work. It's not possible to just knock that bit into place and have it magically change everything above it. It's a process.
As for him groking on an emotional level what you need, that may n ot be possible. We are individuals in our own heads, with our own histories and our own way of interpreting input. The circuits may not be there for him to process what you are looking for and come out with the same results. HOWEVER, does he need to grok it on an emotional level? Make a ladder for yourself of the levels of acceptance starting from listening to hearing and so forth until you get up to GROK. Break it down to small steps and what level you could accept him understanding this need of yours at. If it absolutely needs to be at the GROK level, ask yourself why.
>If you can't get a core need met from your partner, what do you do?
You look at the need. You break the need down into pieces until you really understand what this need is and why it's a need. You look at the need from all angles and points of view. You look at the motivations for the need. Then you see if there are other ways that the core portions of the need can be met. If you have a particular script for how this need must be met, why does it need to happen just that way?
Then you talk about what you feel needs to be talked about in order to find some sort of compromise. It may not be a middle ground. It may be one of you having to take a large step and the other a small step. The steps toward compromise may take a while to get to a place you can both accept. However you both need to accept that change will be part of this process and you both may need to stretch yourselves to places that are not comfortable right now but can become comfortable later.
If, after all that the need still cannot be met then you need to ask yourself the question ONLY THEN, "Can I accept him and us as we are w/o this need being met?"
*hugs* if any of this has been helpful, cool. If not, accept it for what it was, free.