What would you do?

[make_your_move]

What would you do if you knew someone was doing the wrong thing. Would you confront them? Yell at them? Try to reason with them? Leave them be?

I'm so freaking amazed and pissed and sad, I don't even know where to start.

Comments

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

I'd ask them to talk about what it is that they are doing and try to understand their reasoning. If I get them talking about it they might see what they are doing as WRONG. I'd keep asking questions (as long as they were willing to delve into motivations) until I either understood or they did (or the person was done talking about it).

[the-nita.livejournal.com]

Depends. I have been trying for years to remember that other people get to live with the consequences of their own choices. Depending on my relationship with them, I'll let them know what I perceive as the possible consequences and why I think it's a bad choice, but ultimately, if they're adults, it's up to them.

[ebullientjenn.livejournal.com]

Well it would depend on who it was, and how bad this wrong thing is. I do like the comments made by the previous person so I'll just add word to that.

It also depends on how close you are to them. Are they the kind of person who could take this kind of information from you? Would they take it well?

[sunnidae]

It would entirely depend on what I perceived the likely outcome of their wrong actions to be, and how close we were, and whether I was willing to risk the friendship.

[autumncat.livejournal.com]

Agreed with this.
Many factors to consider - what the wrong thing is, what the out come could be, mind frame of the person doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes (ok, most times) people need to figure this out for themselves and no matter what you say it still won't make a difference.

[musicman.livejournal.com]

It depends on the person and how comfortable I am in giving them advice. I'm not much on telling people how to live their lives, or to change themselves. "I'm so freaking amazed and pissed and sad, I don't even know where to start" seems to me to be a pretty strong sentiment, so I would say you should speak up in some way.

[randyminxx.livejournal.com]

i tend to let it go unless my advice or opion is asked for. If it is, then i am brutally honest. This is not to say that if i disagree i sit back. i look for ways to try and get my friend to open up and maybe cause them to say "What do you think?" i guess i think our job as friends is to support even the bad choices. Grit your teeth and bear it. i am sorry you are so upset.

[grail76.livejournal.com]

It so depends on the thing. A close friend who's about to marry? People always see disaster coming before the wedding but any friend who says, "Don't do it," tends to become an ex-friend.

[3fgburner.livejournal.com]

Depends on the "what". Is it immoral? Illegal? Stupid? Self-Destructive? Deliberately malicious harm to another? All of those have different responses, which vary even more depending on your relationship.

Close friend being self-destructive? Try to point out the consequences, if they'll take the advise. Non-friend or non-acquaintance, doing something illegal? Tell 'em to stop, and if they don't, drop a dime on 'em. Parent abusing a child? I'd probably shoot them.

[museclio]

Depends on the person and the issue. People make their own horrid choices, and if they are set on it there isn't much you can do.

Been there recently, myself...

[crystal-coyote.livejournal.com]

A friend hocked her house at 50 to go on weight loss surgery. Problem is, she lied to all of her friends and family about it, saying she had to have a tumor removed, until her daughter in law saw some of the paperwork laying around the house and di some investigation. She's alienated practically everyone she knows in pursuit of a "look" she's never possessed.

I'd gauge the potential harmful effects ...

[midniterose63.livejournal.com]

"Wrong" isn't clearly defined, not for me ... but IF what they were doing were specifically going to have a negative impact on my own life (yours, in this case) I would feel more comfortable issuing strong objections. If what they're doing is going to have a negative impact on their own life, I'd still tell them I was concerned, and urge them to think twice, be careful, etc.

For me ... the tricky part comes in when the "wrong thing" is something that can harm a third party. At that point, it becomes a whole 'nother ball of wax. Depending upon the possible seriousness of the consequences, I'd consider telling the third party or arranging for an intervention with the friend contemplating the wrong-doing. And, of course, others have mentioned calling the police or shooting the person ... those are always viable options, too!

Good luck, darlin' - I hope things work out so that YOU have resolution, at least!

[lazaruslong2004.livejournal.com]

And the flowchart comes out....

It depends on the following...

A) Has my advice or viewpoint been solicited?

If yes...I give my viewpoint. Otherwise I don't unless the following is true...

B) Is the person in danger of losing life or limb? Are they headed down a path where they will lose everything?

If yes...I give my viewpoint. Otherwise I don't unless the following is true...

C) Do the consequences of their actions directly affect the people I love or my own being?

B or C is a factor, then my nose will be stuck right in the middle of what's going on. I can't guarantee that my viewpoint will be heard or heeded, but I have done my part.

[ivorydamsel.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others about all the questions that surround this question. I would have a different response if the "wrong thing" were illegal as opposed to "immoral" (in my view), harmful to others, or simply self-destructive.

I can tell you what I did in one case (of the self-destructive + enabling variety): I told my friend (once a close friend) that I could not and would not support what she was doing. As a result, although I loved her, I would neither be present nor socialize with her under certain conditions.

Regrettably, nothing changed as a result except for the loss of our friendship and some ugly, ugly repercussions (as she and the other party involved reacted badly, even pathologically). On the other hand, I would not have taken that position if I were not willing to accept the consequences.

Depends

[sierra-victor.livejournal.com]

Are they endangering themselves? You? The people around them? If any of those are the case it's time to confront/reason with them.

Yelling doesn't do much, except get yelling in return, so I'd skip that.

IF it's something like, Z. wants to date A., and you _know_ this is just asking for trouble, I'd see if I could bring it up in conversation and say, oh I don't know, you do know that you're as vanilla as Breyer's best and that he/she isn't happy unless they're beaten daily.

Also consider maybe that someone should step in, but, for some reason you are Not the right person. In that case, see if you can get a mutual friend to address the matter.

I guess I'm saying think of it as a medical situation. First, make sure you're safe, then see if you can help.

Give a buzz if there's anything I can do.

S_V

wrong thing?

[crystal-coyote.livejournal.com]

I guess it depends on how we're defining, "wrong," doesn't it? Are we talking immoral (a value judgement that isn't necessarily shared by everyone), illegal (self explanatory), or just stupid (like my weight loss surgery friend that even lied to her Dr. about her depression and insomnia meds)?

"Wrong" is a judgement call as is "getting involved". If my friend were leaving spouse "A" for new lover "B", I'd probably at least talk about it, but I wouldn't try to stop it. None of my business. However, if spouse "A" was dragging the kids through a huge custody battle (after my friend left for "B") for no other reason than to hurt my friend, I'd get involved as deeply as I could. That's just wrong and cruel.

Of course, if "A" was talking about burning "B"'s house down in spite, I'd be all over that, too.

Does that make any sense?

[mokie-sassafras.livejournal.com]

My reaction would depend entirely on my relationship with the person.

[juice-weasel.livejournal.com]

It really depends on how much I care about them and what they are doing. Like, an aquaintence is doing something really shitty to another person and abusing there trust and I don't know that person, I may stay out of it. If either of them are a good friend then I'd be inclined to have a few words. REally depends on the people and the severity of the wrongness.

Peace...

[margoeve.livejournal.com]

Like everyone else said, it depends on what the issue is and what my relationship to that person is.

That being said, I do have a tendancy to try to talk to someone if they are doing something that I think is Wrong with a capital W. I usually say something like "I see that you are doing X, and because I care about you I have to let you know I am concerned..."

I'm really bad about just sitting back when I think a wrong is being done. But also, I pick my battles carefully. Well, really Elkor tempers me and keeps me from rushing into a losing battle - same difference really. ;-)

Give a call if you need an ear. I'm home most of tomorrow.

[primus.livejournal.com]

To be *brutally* honest, unless it's someone close to me, and unless the impending doom is going to splash on me, I let people fuck up. It's not my job to save people from their own stupidity, and screwing up is often an excellent teaching tool...

[cuisinartiste.livejournal.com]

I think lj ate my comment the first time...I want to basically echo what everyone else is saying (although part of me wants to say that if a third party might be harmed then they deserve a warning)...I also want to say that I'm sorry because it seems that someone, maybe someone you are close to, has put you in an awkward or painful position...thinking of you and here for you...

[pyromancer.livejournal.com]

Context is everything.

If this was a medical issue, I'd stop them immediately.

If this was a social issue, I'd tell them what I see of the situation and why the choice appears wrong to me. Then I'd give them a chance to show me what they see that I'm missing.

I guess I'd try to reason with them.

[pyrategrrl.livejournal.com]

Like many folks above have said, depends on what the "wrong" is. And how it impacts you or others. Also depends on the relationship you have with that person, and what sort of history they have at handling well-meant interventions. In the end, we can't rescue folks from their bad descions, no matter how much we might *like* to. Sadly,some lessons end up being learned the hard way.

If it impacts you directly and negatively, and you don't mind the risk of having them cut you off for sharing your concern, then speak up. Otherwise, wait to possibly be asked what your opinion is by them, then be *really* honest.

My experience is that most folks don't much appreciate unsolicited advice, no matter how well meant, or loving, it is.

[redhotlips.livejournal.com]

There's a book... 'Difficult Conversations' Douglas Stone, et al. Maybe it won't help you for this particular situation, but it's useful for anyone who must decide such things.

One method of dealing with a situation like this would be to step back and examine the situation, then give some purposeful thought as to what you want and need to achieve. You can then ask the person to meet together in person. Use the time to clearly define your feelings, your thoughts, and suggest yourself or a professional as a resource for finding the solution with that person.

Beyond that, it's hard to help you without more information. I'd be happy to help direct you towards more reading resources, including online ones to help you learn more if you wish.

[aztecknight.livejournal.com]

If it is that simple and that wrong to you, that the consquences do not matter, then do it. Other than that, it becomes situational.

[bkleber.livejournal.com]

i'd try to intercede.... as appropriately as possible given the circumstances. I'm pathetically optimistic, and I just about always try to help.

[lsmiked.livejournal.com]

I don't know if your person doing the wrong thing is the same as mine, but if it is I'm not sure if anything can be done.

Regardless of the subject, however, I know how you feel.


Mike

[alex-wench.livejournal.com]

i think my icon says a lot about the current situation.

what a douche bag.