Back to looking at a well used analogy

[make_your_move]

So, in talking with the Wife last night over sewing and stuff, a well used analogy came flying out of my mouth...



"every problem starts to look like a nail" Whoa, stop the presses. You mean all communication problems are not the same? I know that all of them are not the same, but I think somewhere along the way, I've forgotten that not all communications can be solved with only one set of tools. Yes, sometimes I am Captain Obvious.

The problem is, if you have a good tool, you tend to always reach for it first because even if it is not exactly right, most of the time you can MacGuyver a good solution with it. I've spent the morning looking for a post of matthew_g had granted me permission to repost in the last year or so (before I learned to "tag" stuff), and I can't find it - but I remember it was something similar to this. Magnus, if you find it, would you please point me in the right direction?

Q and I are working on a couple of different issues on the communication front. One of them is an old, old issue. We are at a true stalemate on this one, and after about 10 years, I want to stop trying to fix it, and actually get down to really fixing it. The other one(s) we are dealing with - have a lot to do with, what is being said vs. what is being heard. We both have this problem - our knee-jerk reaction or inner 5 year old gets to have first chance at responding and after that, it almost never goes well. In the process of trying to get to whatever has caused me to react like a 5 year old, I use the tools I know the best to peel back the layers, which usually involves a lot more talking and invariabley a lot of questions to my lovely husband. What I don't or haven't realized at the time, is that maybe asking the questions is not the right tool to use at that time. Perhaps what I need to do is stop asking questions, be introspective to the reactions in my own head, and wait.

much_ado has had the benefit (or curse depending on how you look at it) of knowing us both fairly well (and for a long time), and in the process of our discussions this weekend, suggested that perhaps when we are dealing with something in situ, Q may not be always be able to readily identify what his specific wants and needs are at the time, and my process of trying to help him figure that out (using *my* tools for identifying and self-awareness - i.e. questions) all I've managed to engage at that point are his walls of self defense and protection and disengagment. And when that happens, and he pulls back, I take that as a sign of him 'not caring' (hmmm, externalizing that blame much?) *light bulb* and doh!.

Yes, he cares, I know that - we haven't managed to be together for 14 years because we don't care. Often, I don't question that. But I have a hard time dealing with silence, and a much harder time dealing with disengagement as a means of self protection. I grew up in a somewhat typical german family ... loud and with lots of arguments. One of my mom's standard lines was "I yell at you because I love you" - so when the silence descended in my house, there was something seriously wrong. Silence meant shutting one out, emotionally & physically. Lack of hugs and reassurance. Eventually we'd get to a place where one of us would tentatively reach out - usually me. I'd go to my mom sitting on the couch and come and lay my head in her lap. Most of the time, she would reach down and stroke my hair, and I would know that things were going to get better. But I was always afraid, afraid that someday she would just leave (my bio Dad had left when I was younger, different story, but in my head, it equalled abandonment) and so it became harder and harder to deal with. When I was a teenager I finally left first (again, different story, but there's a theme here).

Now I'm looking at where my reactions are coming from and having to short circuit the reactions and the weasels of self justification for acting the way I do and it's well ... not pretty.
I suspect there will be more of these posts forthcoming. I'll put them behind a cut for the disinterested, but this is useful for me to have them out in black and white. And if I can help my friends and tribe with my ramblings, they are here for taking.


So, here I am, looking at my tools and realizing that not every problem is a nail and perhaps what I need is a refresher course and reintroduction to the other things in the box at my feet that I haven't looked at. At least that is what I'm working towards now.

Comments

[alricthemad.livejournal.com]

Perhaps what I need to do is stop asking questions, be introspective to the reactions in my own head, and wait.
could be....

So, here I am, looking at my tools and realizing that not every problem is a nail
or maybe you areI am hitting the wrong nail.....

Sounds oooohhhhhh so familiar. Me trying to fix someone else rather than talking about myself.

I am looking forward to what you have to say.