Poly concepts

[make_your_move]

I'm a huge fan of tacit and his ability to sum up great ideas. I highly recommend his latest entry on "Some Evolving Thoughts on Veto"

Go ... read it now. It's well worth the read.

Comments

[kellfire.livejournal.com]

I second this.

And his essay put into words the uneasy feeling I've had around veto power I bookmarked it to read again!

[dashrippington.livejournal.com]

I must say... this really has started my cob-webby brain to thinking.

Thank you for the re-direct to that post.

[primus.livejournal.com]

Someone else linked to this today, and it's a very good article, but there is an unstated assumption in it that has been bothering me. One of the points in the article is that there is nothing that should require a veto that good communication cannot handle.

This assumes there is good communication.

Hell, Michelle and I can read each other's mind usually, and we *still* have occasional glitches. When someone is fascinated with the new shiny and thinking with their glands, the subtle and not-so-subtle communication from their partner may not be interpreted correct.

It's a rare person who is going to be willing to say "You said you wouldn't stick it in the crazies, and she's completely out of her fucking mind" - instead, they'll say things like "she makes me uncomfortable" or "I wish you'd spend more time at home."

When you add D/s to the mix, it may be even harder for a submissive partner to tell their Dominant that they may be making a mistake.

A veto may be a bad alternative to open, honest communication, but I would submit that sometimes there may be worse ones.

[cz_unit]

Oh brother, another "evil veto" post from Tacit. Yes, it makes me glad to know that I am not in a relationship with Mr. Tacit.

I can sum it up as follows:

If I'm fucking someone who I don't trust enough to listen to when he/she says "this person is not good, drop it" then I think my penis is in the wrong place. Or my head. Either way it's time for some serious thinking.

Likewise if someone dumps me because someone else told them to, well that says a lot by itself about exactly what the situation is. Veto is not always "evil", communication is not always "good" and people who cannot see the shades of color and grey that make up the tapestry of life... well they are free to enjoy their relationships.

CZ

[frost57565.livejournal.com]

You know, I disagree with this, at least in my case. I recognize that my relationship with rene is very unusual, but if something about my relationship with someone else upsets her enough that she feels the need to exercise an absolute veto, it behooves me to pay attention.

Veto power is a key ingredient of consensus decision making, and I'd argue that if you don't trust your primary not to abuse a veto, then maybe you need to think about why you're in that relationship at all.

[bittibuddha.livejournal.com]

yeah, while I certainly understand and appreciate his reasoning, I think declaring Vetos as Evil is probably a bit further than I would stretch.

I think for people starting out, the concept of a Veto of their partner's potential new SOs is a comforting and valuable concept. As they learn to communicate more effectively and stop issuing ultimatums with each other, the need for the safety blanket of a veto will atrophy.


so: I think vetos have their place in the paradigm, but as training wheels for effective communication.